remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
