last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
