Umm I'm too high to move.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
