3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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