weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
