well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
