Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
