so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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