I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
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