i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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