last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
