Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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