You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
