I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
