im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize