I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
