I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
