OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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