and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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