I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
