remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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