I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize