I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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