I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
