I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
