i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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