I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
