my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
