I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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