Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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