shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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