Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
