Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
