Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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