You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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