she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
