The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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