i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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