seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
