The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
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