everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
