I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I think a kid would responsible me up
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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