did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
