I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
