I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
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