i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
