For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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