it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
