Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
