Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
We have started to decorate penises.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
