He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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