my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
