mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
