3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
