I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
