i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Randomize
