I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
