arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
